redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
The Party Boat Sank/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Sure, we all have worries and troubles and things that are wrong with the world, but it's time to put trivial things like meaning and relevance aside. It's time you join us here at possum lodge for a simpler time, with simpler people -- especially dwayne. Wa-a-a! And now it's my pleasure to introduce the star of the show and my uncle, which nobody can do anything about. I'm very happy to say that much. It gives me comfort. Here he is, the star of "the red green show," mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to possum lodge. For those of you who have never met harold, save yourselves while there's still time. Harold, uh, actually controls a lot of the technical stuff on the show here. That's through the -- the magic of digital electronics, such as the following. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Harold is responsible for the look of the show. I don't know who's responsible for the look of harold. Maybe doofuses 'r' us. I-I dress like you so we look alike. We look alike? I'd better see an orthodontist. It gives us a lodge look. It's cool! Well, it leaves me cold, but not as cold as I was last night. I'll tell you, after dinner, moose thompson got into one of those moods where he stands in the middle of the floor and does things with eggs. And, uh, after they had all broke, uh, well, you know, the ball started rolling and so on. We all ended up down at the dock playing bobbing for surprises, where everybody drops their pants and tries to guess the temperature of the lake. I'll tell you, buster hadfield came that close. And a bunch of us went out on the lodge party boat, which is a vessel we made ourselves out of stuffs the garbageman wouldn't take. Uh, it's kind of like a chinese junk without the word "chinese." you guys are crazy to go out on that thing. It's not seaworthy. It's not even noteworthy. Well, I think the problem was that where most people fill their pontoons with air or -- or styrofoam or tennis balls, uh, our pontoons were full of water, which apparently doesn't float. It mixes. I'm just saying, I figure you guys are very lucky that none of you drowned when that pontoon of -- of death decided to sink. Yeah, well, uh, the nonswimmers were okay, because, uh, they had the fear and the adrenaline, which allowed them to realize that we were only in 5 feet of water... Whereas the swimmers just had their heads down. They were just, uh, you know, stroking for shore, which, uh, is not that easy when your pants pockets are full of catfish and your flannelette buttonholes are snagging on the bottom. No more floating parties, huh? It's a dark day for the brewery. Wa-a-a-a! Anyway, uh, we got a great show for you tonight, so, uh, let's just get that started, harold. You know, we may be the only lodge in the world that has a party submarine. [ keyboard clacking ] oh, glen! How are things down at your marina? Your boat-servicing, boat-repairing marina? Uh, what? Fine, douglas, I guess. Uh, I didn't actually open today. No. I was out pricing a new r.V. Yep. Thinking of going to the 30-footer. [ chuckles ] yeah, 6 extra feet, double air. Heaven on wheels. Glen, do you remember working on our pontoon boat this spring? The lodge party boat. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, sure. You don't see two of those in a lifetime. It's at the bottom of possum lake. Oh. Oh, gonna try to collect from the insurance company, are we? Good thinking, dougie. No, no. We're going to collect from you. Excuse me? Well, it's your fault. You were supposed to fix the holes in the pontoons. Why do you think stinky peterson brought it to your marina? Well, nobody told me that. I thought it fell off the garbage scow. I seem to remember writing you a check for...$50. What was that about? Storage. Sure. I should have charged him more. The smell coming out of that bilge was bad for my business. We thought you had fixed the patches in the pontoons. But as far as I'm concerned, you're responsible, and you're going to have to make good on it. What is he talking about? Liability, glenno. Oh, yeah. Used to see this kind of thing all the time when I was doing paralegal work for the d.A.'s office. Wow! Is there anything you haven't done, doc? How about tell the truth? Okay, fine. Fine, douglas. Suit yourself. I was just trying to be of help here. You know, I could prosecute this case on, uh, real and implied liability... With all the tenets and caveats associated thereto, which interrupted our party in the first part, hereafter referred to as the "picnic." but, uh, suit yourself. It's your caveat. Wow. Boy. A lawyer and a doctor. You must have been in school a long time. 32 years, harold. I think waiting for a point would be a poor investment of our time. So why don't we try and reach an amicable way to settle this, hmm? I'm pretty amicable to the way it's been settled, douglas. Uh, no, glen. I think, uh, douglas is trying to say that the party boat went down and it was your fault and we'd like you to pay for it. I mean, unless you have some other idea. Well, yeah. Sure, actually. Firstly, not my fault. Secondly, you're all lucky to be alive. And thirdly, I think we should start thinking about a dry-dock party boat. A lot less dangerous. Like -- like what? Oh, I don't know. How about a 24-foot r.V., huh? Park it right down by the water. Yeah. I was thinking of trading up, anyway. We can't afford an r.V.! Oh, that's what I thought. That's what I thought. But they financed me over 35 years. All you guys have to do is pick up the last 27 years of payments. Well, high finance is a little over my threshold of boredom. Oh, something we might think about is -- is raising the party boat up off the bottom. You know, like -- like fishing for moby dick. Call me ishmael. I, uh, had a similar sort of experience, uh, raising the titanic. Perhaps you read the book. Yeah, well, we decided we'd try to fool her off the bottom by filling her with air. Luckily, they had you along. I like the r.V. Concept. Mm-hmm. I'm not going to let it go at this, glen. You'll be hearing from our lawyer. Will you be at the marina this afternoon, glen? I didn't mean you! Whoo-hoo. He's changing lawyers already. That's a bad sign. [ drum and guitar playing ] ♪ late last night, there was a knock on my door ♪ ♪ it was a bunch of aliens ♪ ♪ many of whom I'd never seen before ♪ ♪ they looked like us, but they didn't ask me for money ♪ ♪ and that's how I knew they were aliens ♪ red: This week on the "handyman corner," I'm gonna show you how to make a sou'wester for up north designed by a guy from down east. And the first thing you need is a couple of these, uh, vinyl, uh, plastic tablecloths. And the second thing you need is, uh, one of these electric glue guns. So I'll just plug this in here. If you don't, uh... If you don't have one of these glue guns, by golly, they are a terrific investment. Uh, they -- they spew out a kind of a real hot, sticky glue, and you can use them to caulk around a window, say, if you never wanted to open that window again. Or you can use them for decorating cakes, you know. Or, you know, you can just take the glue right out of there and it makes a dandy little soldering iron. It's also -- if you got good handwriting, uh, you can use them to brand cattle. The only downside is they take a little while to heat up. [ sizzles ] ow! All right. Uh, I guess it's ready. Uh, so now we just, uh, put a glue stick in the end there and load her up. And, uh, we're ready to start gluing. And it just comes out real easy. What's -- what's wrong? Oh, no. That's... That's a piece of chalk. Glue sticks, glue sticks. Here they are, here they are. [ clattering ] oh. That always happens. Well, here's one. Okay. So we stick the -- stick the glue stick in there, and then you just give it a little squeeze and -- oh. Oh. I'll -- all right. Well, uh, I'll clean that up later. Okay, uh, the next thing you want to do is you want to spread the, uh... Spread one of the tablecloths out on the floor. And, uh, you want to lie down on it and, uh, trace around yourself. [ grunts ] spread your arms out. And this is something that may seem a little bit awkward, but it's not that hard to do. Okay. You just start -- just trace right around. Should make a mark. Oh, that's a glue stick. There we go. Scared me for a minute there. Just mark right around yourself. And, uh, it's an unusual talent, but it can come in handy if you ever get shot. And, uh, you know, leave a -- leave a little bit of extra room so the raincoat doesn't fit too tight. Sorry about the view. Go right up over your head. And leave space for your hand. Yeah. So there -- you're done. And there's basically my shape. Boy, I could -- I could stand to lose a little weight there. Anyway, now, well, you cut that out, and then you put that on top of the other, uh, plastic sheet, and that becomes your form, and then you've got your raincoat under way. Okay, now, you can just cut along the chalk line using, uh, a pair of scissors or tin snips. Or if everybody's borrowed all your stuff and never brought it back, you may have to use some, uh, tree-pruning shears. All right. We're through there. And once you've done that, you can, uh, start sewing the coat together with the glue gun. Uh, just be sure that you leave the bottom open where your legs are gonna stick out and, uh, leave the ends of the sleeves open where your hands come through. And, uh, you go right up around the head, though. Another thing, too, is just be careful you don't, uh, glue the coat to the floor or yourself to the coat or the coat to, say, the table. Or, more importantly, that you don't glue any of your really important body parts to the actual glue gun. I managed to find, uh, bernice's, uh, sewing scissors, which I'm using to cut a hole for the face. ♪ button up your overcoat ♪ you know, what I've done here is I've added a couple of accessories to kind of enhance the look and to make the functionality just that much more. Uh, I think the pieces of inner tube I'm using as epaulettes give it kind of a naval look, I think. I've used, uh, some cupboard handles out of the kitchen to spruce her up a little bit. And then you've got the sandwich bags here for pockets. Gonna keep your car keys fresh. It's kind of a -- kind of a unisex design. I mean, a man or a woman could wear this, and you'd have no idea what it was. And then you've got the pride factor, too, of knowing that you made this yourself. This is a one-off. So remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm sweating like a pig in this thing. "it is spring, trout season. "you wade into the stream waist-high. "you feel water run down your legs. "there's a hole in your hip waders... You hope." so, anyway, uh, douglas is pretty upset about, uh, glen's lack of interest in the party-boat schemozzle. And when douglas gets mad, he's kind of like a terrier, especially with that short hair of his and his funny ears. Now, old man sedgwick says he thinks we should buy the r.V., but moose thompson says, "no, no, no. "if you're gonna have a party boat, it should be a boat of some kind." what he wants to do is just rip the dock right off the cribbing and lay it across 40 canoes. But then you really have to catch moose before noon if you hope to get any sense out of him. I don't understand why you just can't have the parties up at the lodge, on terra firma, as it were. What's the big deal about a party boat? Wa-a-a! Well, harold, there's a historical significance to a floating celebration. You know, it hearkens back to the time of, say, like cleopatra or -- or moses or -- or even the crew of the exxon valdez. Anyway, douglas is -- is so mad at glen that he's talking about taking our lodge-boat business elsewhere. Oh, so...Glen's got the only marina on the lake. Where are we gonna get our boats repaired? The bakery? Wa-a-a! Don't be surprised if you see douglas opening a new marina right here on possum lake. Oh, that'll be great for the environment. More leaky gas pumps. Well, there's no fire hazard, harold. Uh, the gas goes right into the lake. Oh, oh, oh. Okay, then. Oh, yeah. That's perfect, uncle red. Wa-a-a! Is this where the party boat sank, uh, doc? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see that, uh -- that red, green, and blue glow? Oh, yeah, yeah. The patio lanterns are still lit down there. Yeah, and you can see the outline of the boat, too. Yeah. Kind of looks like a blurry christmas tree. Hey, this is great, fellas. You know, smallmouth bass go crazy for bright colors. Oh, yeah. You guys ever use a rainbow for bait? You mean a -- you mean a rainbow trout, don't you? Yeah, yeah. A rainbow trout. [ laughs ] eh, it doesn't matter, anyway, I guess. Drop anchor here, harold. And mind you don't hit none of those band instruments down there, all right? Oh, there you go again with the noise. Oh, boy. You know, it's, uh -- it's not very far down there, doc. We could maybe raise her up. What do you think? Oh, dangerous, red. Very dangerous. Yeah? Yeah, one of us would have to go diving down there, and there's a good chance we'd get the folds. The folds? You mean the bends, don't you? No. No, no, no. Your folds are what you get in your freshwater. They're far worse. [ chuckles ] I've never even heard of the folds, doc. Oh, well, it happened to me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't like to talk about it much. Oh, good. That was a number of years back, back when I was leading that, uh -- that expedition to raise that spanish galleon off of bermuda. Remember? I don't remember. But are you telling me you went treasure hunting? Did you find, uh, pirate treasure there? Well, if I did, red, you think I'd be hanging around the lodge now? Ah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't get it. Bass usually love to nest in barbecues. What kind of -- what kind of treasure were you looking for? Anything in particular? Oh, pirate's gold. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Pieces of 64. Oh? That's pieces of eight squared. Yeah. Yeah, the spanish treasure ship santa saint nicko. Went off course on lake erie and sank. I thought you said it was bermuda. Did I not say she went off course, red? Oh. [ film projector clicking ] red: Well, something a little special this week on "adventures with bill." we're gonna go sailing. He brought the sailing bags down there. Gonna get the sails out and get out on the wide-open... Feathers there. Oh, that's not a sail bag. That's his pillow from camp. Now, here's a -- here's a proper sail bag. And, uh, starts taking the sail out there. And, you know, it's folded a certain way so that it all kind of comes out, 'cause some of these sails are, uh -- they can get pretty big on you. Yeah. Well, you figure, you know, that's the only power for the boat. So, you know, you're gonna expect the sail to be, you know, pretty decent -- pretty decent in size. That would probably be about it there, I would think. Yeah, that will be it. Uh, no, no, no. There's a bit more. This is a pretty big, uh... This is a pretty big sail he's got there. How are we gonna get that -- well, you know, golly. [ laughs ] yeah, there's a lot of work involved with sailing, you know, when you get these big sails all kind of rigged and everything. And, anyway, so now bill's gonna -- oh! Oh, bill. Bill, bill, bill, bill, bill. Step one is to close the hatch. You know. You okay, there, bill? Yep, he's fine. So, now this is called, uh... I think it's called a halyard or something. You hook that on to the sail. What he did was he hooked it right through his suspender there. See that? Of course, none of us knew that, and I was just -- I had my head down. I'm pulling up on him. And I didn't -- I didn't know. It's not really my fault, I don't think, because he told me, "just pull." and then I look up, and, uh, of course, there he is up there. Oh, down he comes. Yeah, no problem. All right. So, now he's, uh, trying to rig -- rig the sail. And it was a windy day, you know? And the thing with this is that that thing's moving around, and I've heard of people, uh, sometimes getting hit with that and what have you. But bill seemed to have the problem down. At least I thought he thought he had it down. You know, I always assume bill knows what he's doing. I'm -- I'm, uh... I think -- I think that's kind of foolish on my part. Aah! Oh, boy. And, of course, by now, I had the motor going, too. So, uh, this was fun for me, 'cause actually, I, uh -- you know, in all the years that I've done the powerboating and what have you, uh... Even rowing the odd canoe when I had to, uh... I never had done any sailing. So, uh, this was real fun for me. And, of course, my attention was drawn completely to the sails, and I really wasn't noticing that I had a bit of a tow-away. So, uh, anyway, douglas has got doc and stinky all hepped up about, uh, opening this marina. Stinky's gonna pump gas and clean out the bilges, and that should eliminate all but the most desperate customers. I mean, nobody browses when stinky's behind the counter. And, uh, moose has offered to run the dolphin show. But like I said, if it's after noon, you really have to take moose with a grain of aspirin. Excuse me, but does it not matter that douglas nor doc nor stinky have any marina knowledge or business acumen? Is that a consideration at all? Well, it's not really a complex situation here, harold. I mean, you just sell people stuff for more than it cost you. Yes, but we won't be able to get any service. We don't get any now. Okay. All right. Well, what's the sense of having, like, two useless marinas? At least you have a choice. [ screeching ] oh, that's the sound of the meeting. We got to go, uncle red. Time to go. Well, uh, this won't take long. You know, it doesn't, uh... It doesn't take men long to make a decision. It's making a decision look smart that takes the time. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching continues ] all rise. [ conversation stops ] all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. The floor recognizes douglas hendrychuck. Thank you, red. Well, everyone, I'm delighted to report that stinky and I are ready to open the possum lake marina. Now, we've bought a 40-foot floating dock and a 2-inch monkey wrench. [ thud ] [ cheering ] well, as the owner of the only marina in the area, I got to say that this lake won't support two marinas. So, uh, which doesn't matter to me, as long as you guys buy my r.V. And then I can buy a new one and get out of here. So if you'll support, uh, my proposition r.V. And just vote yes. Nice sign there, glen. Thanks, red. Made her myself. Beauty. Well, I-I vote yes. We need a new dry-dock party boat. An r.V. Is an excellent investment, fellas, too. Long as you don't drive it. Well, luckily, we can't afford an r.V., because I had the good sense to empty the lodge treasury when we purchased the floating dock, doc. [ indistinct shouting ] and the wrench, too. Don't forget. I gave him a good deal on the wrench. Well, we needed a wrench. Well, now, just wait a minute. Just one second here. You spent lodge money on that? We're trying to get a new party boat, not to get into the marina business. This is way out of whack here. Too late now. Too late now. The die is cast. That floating dock is ours. [ murmuring ] all in favor of me smacking douglas, say aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Motion carried. Now, hold on a second. Hold on, hold on. What about this, everybody? We scrap the whole marina idea and just take the floating dock back? [ indistinct shouting ] uh, wait a minute, fellas. Uh, red, I-I bought that dock from murray's store. [ groaning ] all: "no refund, no exchange. That's our policy." okay, okay, okay. Why don't we keep the floating dock and use that as our new party boat? [ cheering ] I'll tell you -- we can tie it up to moose thompson. That way, it won't drift. Wa-a-a! All those in favor of doing that, say aye. Aye! Aye! Aye! Okay. Motion carried. So, if there's no further lodge business, got a real treat for you tonight. Uh, glen has managed to get a mint copy of a great movie, "the guns of navarone." ooh! I love that! [ applause ] boom! Boom! Boom! Actually, there was a bit of a problem with "the guns of navarone." it was already out. But, uh, as a substitute, uh, I got some -- I got some slides -- some new slides that I just got back, so... Well, I'm glad we'll be getting a new, uh, party boat, and things can get back to normal. Well, normal for the lodge. It's amazing what's important as you get older, isn't it? I guess it's important for lodge members to be out on the water a fair bit. Think of us as floaters. That's what plumbers would call us. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'll have a bite of whatever you leave me on the kitchen table, and then I'll climb the stairs. And if there's nothing on the table, I'll run up the stairs. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. so it's good for cutting along a hill, the guy told me. Yeah, he just mentioned it. Grab a seat there, red. Okay. That's the last. Very dense bush right there. That's dense, dense bush. Right against the road. Surprised me. The department of highways -- that's who this guy works for here -- they only go back 30 feet from the edge of the road. Yeah, 30 feet. That's all. [ projector clicks ] oh. [ laughs ] there we go. There's breakfast, huh? Isn't that a fine-looking -- look at that there. That's, uh -- that's your, uh, grilled cheese sandwich. Yeah. Grilled cheese sandwich with lots of big -- those big, thick fries, the real potatoes.